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Excerpt from:How To Build Your Child's Self Esteem
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Excerpt from:How To Build Your Child's Self Esteem
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For your child to experience high self esteem, he must experience your love for him. It is not enough for you to love your child. Your child must "know" that she's loved by you. It is the perception of the child that counts. You need to expose your child to your love in such a manner that he believes at his core, that he is lovable. This sounds so simple, but like many things that are seem simple the doing is very hard.
Most parents start family therapy from the emotional standpoint, "I love my child." In fact I often hear, " I love him so much... Why does he act this way!"
Your focus needs to be, "Does my child feel and experience my love?" This feeling and experience are the cement between parent and child that holds the self esteem building blocks together. Dorothy Briggs, author of Your Child's Self-Esteem, puts it clearly, "No child can feel lovable if he does not experience love." It isimperative that we interact with our children in a way that they feel and experience our love.
I was fortunate to take a course in graduate school from Dr. Jeffrey Smith, a celebrated psychologist and long time professor at Stanford University. When I showed up to my first class I had no idea who the instructor was. He arrived a few minutes early and very slowly walked to a chair at the front of the room. He sat slowly. He spoke softly. He explained that he was an old man. That he had a terminal disease and he hoped to be alive long enough to teach this 18 week course. He apologized for his frailty. He explained that he would understand if anyone would like to transfer to another instructor. He spoke about looking forward to meeting all of us young people. (Most were in their thirties.)
Dr. Smith captivated the class. It was obvious to us that he wanted to die as he lived, a teacher. He let us know that we were special to him, that his world had greater meaning because we were a part of it.
Dr. Smith allowed us to experience his love. Soon after the course, Dr. Smith died. His wife mailed us our final exam. Till the end, Dr. Smith taught. He took the time to write a note on each final exam. My note was hard to read. The hand that penned it was weak. He wrote, "I like to think of you, by contrast, with your strong, positive spirit, working with children, Jeffrey"
The people you love need you to let them feel your love. Only when our children feel our love can they experience the fact that they are lovable.
Let's start off by defining what we are talking about. Self esteem goes by many names. Some call it self worth, others self confidence. The high brow academic set use words like, "the sense of self " or "ego identity." Shakespeare said it best, "A rose, is a rose, is a rose," or something like that. The reality is that we all know what high self esteem or low self esteem looks like, but it is hard to put it into words.
In a nut shell, self esteem is the internal belief we hold about ourselves. What makes it hard to understand and put into words is that it is ever changing. We hold different internal beliefs about our abilities dependent on the situation.
For example, my five year old son informed me that he couldn't pick up a hat in the side yard because of spiders. He hadn't seen any spiders but he was obviously uncomfortable. When he was reminded that he had touched spiders before, he said, "Yeah, but that spider was not hiding to get me!" Is this a self esteem issue? Kind of. If at five, Joshua felt comfortable enough within himself to handle the fears that he pictured, I would not have had to pick up the hat. But, is it a self esteem problem? Definitely not. Josh was not saying to himself, "I'm not able to pick up the hat." He was saying, "I'm afraid of spiders hiding under the hat and attacking me." Often parents confuse low self esteem with fear.
The internal belief we hold about ourselves is somewhat situational. Your child may feel that she is the best baseball player since Babe Ruth, but be uncomfortable about joining the team because she doesn't know any of the other players. When we talk about self esteem, it is important to listen to the child's words. If we focus too much on the child's behavior we often miss the true picture.
So, when we talk about self esteem we are really talking about the internal balance of our beliefs of self worth.
When we are born we enter the world with a personal makeup. This personal makeup is usually called our temperament. The newborn interacts with his world through his temperament.
Newborns seem to be "pre-wired" to investigate their world. Part of their temperament is to investigate and eventually build relationships with their new world.
Infant research has shown that newborns have the ability to "interact" with their caregivers from the first moments of birth. Their eyes are developed enough to focus on their mother's face during the first breast feedings. Infants are able to smell and remember their caregivers.
The individual's temperament is influential in the formation of the feeling of self worth. We take this sense of self with us throughout our life. For example, a sixty year old can truly say that they are the same, but still a different person than they were when they were six. Our feelings of self worth are with us for a lifetime.
Dr. Haim Ginott makes it clear with his saying, "labeling is disabling" that placing a character label on a child's behavior lowers that child's self esteem. What this means for parents is that we must be very careful when judging our children. Let me be very clear, I am not saying that we do not judge, I am saying that we must focus on judging behavior not character. Children need limits set for them. This helps a child to learn what is expected of them. We show our love by setting limits and following our own structure.
Most parents get into trouble when they confuse setting limits (judging behavior) with judging character. For example, Kyle was told he was stupid for any mistake he committed. No matter the size or the degree of inconvenience. Dropping a fork or missing one math equation was proof to his family, and eventually himself, that he was stupid. In fact, if he was really a slow learner, his parents would have protected him from being called stupid. It would have been seen as cruel. Kyle incorporated the word stupid into his definition of "self." When anything went wrong he just consoled himself with his belief, "I'm stupid so it must be normal for me to do stupid things." With this attitude Kyle became self defeating. How could he learn from his mistakes if he was, due to a character flaw, stupid and unable to learn?
When a child is not labeled, she will tend to explore ways to solve problems. This exploration builds self esteem.
Children seem to be able to get into trouble naturally. By helping children figure out ways to deal with conflict we assist them in learning how to work their way out of trouble. We serve our children best by teaching them problem solving skills. With problem solving skills your child is being prepared to enter the world with high self esteem.
My son, Robert is in eighth grade. He simply fights me on homework every step of the way. I have to sit at the table and force him to do his work. Then, on top of all this, I found out today he isn't turning in his completed assignments. I am living in a homework war zone.
There is a huge battle going on in our society. The battle over who is responsible for the education of our children. Parents blame the teachers, the teachers blame the parents. Everyone takes pot shots at the "school system." I hear it from all sides. The teachers don't teach, the kids come to school unprepared, the parents don't care, the kids are unruly. All I know for sure is that the children are losing.
Parents tell me that their child comes home and is unable to get through the homework assignments without their undivided attention. Teachers tell me that parents don't take the time to help their children with their homework. One mom told me, "My kids fall asleep with pencils in their hands almost every night." Again, the only true losers are the children.
In my opinion homework is for one main purpose. It is to help the child practice the skill of learning on his own. This is a major life skill. We want our children to learn to start and complete a task. At the same extent I do not expect a child to teach himself any subject at home by himself. I do expect the teachers to teach, the parents to support, and the school system to be organized so that the teachers can do their jobs.
With all that said, what do you do if Robert is blowing off his homework? It is important to keep focus on what really matters. A person's education is a long term process. No particular homework assignment really matters in the long run. What does matter is your child's self esteem and his ability to accomplish a task he wishes to accomplish.
We need to remember that homework is your child's job. Homework helps a child learn responsibility, task completion and self worth. Our job is to advocate for our child. We need to support our children as they learn the important lessons of responsibility and follow through. Sometimes, that means we hold our tongue when we see that a teacher-child storm is ahead.
Most parents nag their children in the false belief that they are encouraging them. In fact, the nagging is worse than not saying anything. By nagging you become frustrated with your child and your child becomes angry with you. This is not a conducive environment for learning. If you think about it, by nagging you are repeating the same thing over and over again. If it didn't work the first time why would it work the eighth? If your child does react the way you wish on the eight time, didn't you teach him that it is OK not to react the first seven times? Nagging is disrespectful of self and others. It teaches your child that you lied the first seven times and only really meant what you said the eighth (or eight-hundredth) time.
By using clear cut and consistent cause and effect consequences you will help your child to understand his pivotal role in the cause and effect equation.
Parents should not directly influence their child's homework. We should indirectly affect it by advocating for our child's role in his own education. We should make sure that there is a place for our child to work. We need to keep our opinion to ourselves about how our child should sit or hold his pencil. We need to keep ourselves from interrupting. Even if it feels like we are helping, interrupting our child's train of thought is not helping him to focus. We must refuse to play any part of the homework war. We must advocate for homework peace.
By advocating for your child you can assist her to see her responsibility. Statements such as the following advocate:
Boy, your teacher seems strict, is she as strict as it seems?What's it like to have to do such a project?
No thank you, I don't want to drive you back to school to pick up your homework.
I would be happy to help you with your homework but, I do not want you to growl at me while I am helping you.
We don't turn on the TV if your homework is not done.
I think I understand your problem, but you are not allowed to do your homework after bed time. (Please note that you must resist saying, "You need to do your homework instead of...")
We decrease conflict with our children by caring about them without telling them how to do something. It is much easier to assist a child who wants your help versus a child you think needs your help.
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